9-30-09 Idea Post

While looking for inspiration two days ago I decided to look up the definition of the word 'anxiety.' Wikipedia says...

"Anxiety is a future-oriented mood state in which one is ready or prepared to attempt to cope with upcoming negative events, suggesting that it is a distinction between future vs. present dangers that divides anxiety and fear."

It goes on to describe symptoms...

"One of the most common symptoms of anxiety is fear, which includes the fear of dying... You feel an intense fear when you think of dying, you may think of it more often than normal, or you can't get it out of your mind."

I have known for quite some time that I have high stress levels stemming from OVER time management. By over time management I mean I have set strict working deadlines with myself and expect a lot of hard work from myself. Sometimes I push myself too hard and end up taking it in unproductive ways.

I also think about death... a lot. I'm sure death is on my mind more than most people. I used to express it in ways that I now consider immature and annoying (clothing, music, attitude). After exploring it through art in ways that I would never have considered before (due to society's negative view on dwelling or thinking about death incessantly), I feel more comfortable with my fears and thoughts. I think my fascination is more widely felt than expressed by a majority our society.

I constantly ask myself 'what happens after death?' As a kid I went to church every week not by choice, but by force until one Christmas Eve in high school where I told my mom I didn't believe in God and quite possibly broke a piece of her heart. Rationally, how can I believe without physical proof? Why should I believe the writings of ancient prophets or holy men when history is written by victors? When do the dead, prisoners, or slaves get to tell their side of the story to the entire world? I find it hard to believe in Heaven as the answer to life after death (as I was brought up), but it's hard to let go of the idea of the afterlife. My confusion and hope draws me to death as I search for answers through my art.

"Death is the termination of the biological functions that define a living organism." That sounds scary as hell and is 100% unavoidable. It is the one thing that will happen to every person and animal. It is the one experience we will all ultimately share and none of us will ever be able to answer the question "what happens when we die?"